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Because of this basic dichotomy of life on planet Earth, because we have a part of us urging us towards wholeness and another part wanting some down and dirty time in the gutter, the result is that oftentimes, we seek health and harmony in ways that actually prevent it. So for example, if we lack personal power, we might go after money and influence as a substitute for this quality. If we lack stability and roots, we might build a lavish home to feel some security. Substitutes can serve a useful purpose in our day-to-day existence. And yet, symbolic substitutes can surely work against us when we hold to them exclusively as a means for true fulfillment.

It gives us the momentary surge of intimacy and fulfillment, but around the corner from a symbolic substitute that we overuse is guilt, shame, and even self-abuse. Symbolic substitutes are often experienced as intense desires, something we believe we must have for peace of mind. For example, we may desire particular people, possessions, or experiences.

In other words, the mind projects our innate sense of wholeness outward. Of course, the desire for a symbolic substitute carries a hidden promise. However, they tend to reveal themselves once we actually achieve what we desire. So for the people who finally do become famous, they may feel even more alone and misunderstood, and for the people who do lose weight, they may find themselves to be no more happy or in love with life.

Just thinner. We feel pain. By the time most people reach adulthood, they have solidified their defenses and exist in a psychological equilibrium that they do not wish to disturb. Although they may be relatively congenial with more casual acquaintances, there is a deterioration in friendly and respectful feelings as a relationship becomes more meaningful and intimate, because the new love object now threatens to disrupt this balance by penetrating their basic defenses.

A fantasy bond is the antithesis of a healthy personal relationship where individuals are free to express their real feelings and desires.

Substitute for Love by Karin Kallmaker

This destructive tie functions to perpetuate feelings of distrust, self-hating thought processes, and the inward behavior patterns that each person brings to the relationship. In their destructive coupling, men and women surrender their unique points of view for an illusion of safety. The attempt to find security in an illusion of merging with another leads to an insidious and progressive loss of identity in each person.

The individuals involved learn to rely more and more on habitual contact, with less and less personal feeling. They find life increasingly hollow and empty as they give up more aspects of their personalities. There are a number of steps that individual partners can take to break into the fantasy bond they have formed with each other. Partners can:. Positive change takes place only when the fantasy bond in the original family is investigated and its reestablishment is challenged in the current relationship.

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As fantasy bonds were understood and relinquished, the individuals in a relationship manifest new energy, self-possession, and vitality—and are able to become loving companions and allies. Great article Made me think, and I have shared with a couple of friends. I have found your concept of the fantasy bond has helped me understand how early infant and childhood adaptations to difficult or traumatic experiences are developed.

It has accelerates the process of understanding and overcoming how as adults we sometimes sabotage to one extent or another our very own desires for friendship, love and meaningful work. Your work has become like an acutely intelligent and encouraging friend whose primary interest is in liberating the authentic self from overly protective and outmoded defenses and behaviors that prevent self-realization. Your books are piled on my night stand like some of the truest, clearest friends I have ever known as they helped me through some of the darkest, most difficult passages of my life.

They read better than murder mysteries because all the characters come from within and from the reader's family.

The Love Substitute

I thank Psychology Today for posting his blog. Carl Alasko's new book. It is an "emotional stealth disease that destroys trust and happiness in every area of life: dating, marriage, parenting, friendship and work. Alasko provides a "revolutionary way to eliminate Emotional BS from your life, significantly increasing your happiness and fulfillment.

An excellent post. I have seen this trait in aquaintences, and now understand it much clearer. Sadly i sabotaged my relationships because of defenses, negative thinking patterns, all the emotional BS as that person stated etc. I am not in therapy and working through my issues. What are the psychological roots of human destructiveness toward others? Why do people develop and rely on psychological defenses that limit their lives?

Identifying the negative thought processes that contribute to violence. Originally posted by xesoteric-extraterrestrialx. Substitutions in magick and spellwork is where you replace an ingredient for a spell with another due to lack of the listed ingredient.

This is often done when a witch does not have specific plants, herbs or crystals on hand for when working a spell. Though these ingredients below can substitute for anything in their given category it does not mean that they are the best items to use for substitution in every spell. Why is that? An Example: Rosemary corresponds with protection, love, lust, mental powers, exorcism, purification, healing, sleep, youth. If you are using it in a spell for money it may not work as well as it would to substitute the missing herb with another herb that corresponds with money, wealth and prosperity.

This is why the list above is simply for if you are in a pinch and you have absolutely nothing else to substitute in for it. This is why it is better to go with intent based substitutions, for they tend to correspond better with the spell and are more likely to be successful. It is very easy to figure out other ingredients that work with a spell by seeing if the ingredient corresponds with the intent, such as does this crystal correspond with love in anyway? This part is where you need to research yourself to ensure you are substituting things properly.

Research the correspondences of what you have and see if they match with the spell you wish to find a substitute for. Reworking works hand and hand with substitution.


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The reason this is, is because sometimes when we substitute ingredients we can no longer use the same processes done in the spell. This is common when we substitute something such as a water safe crystal with a non-water safe crystal for a potion or substituting an edible plant with a toxic one in an edible spell. Here is an example scenario that will show us both the process of standard substitution and reworking.

A Spell for Protection requires you to have a bowl of water and some aloe. The process of the spell is soaking the aloe in the water for a short time then rubbing the herb on your wrists and forehead. You wish to do this spell but you have come across the problem of having no aloe. Below are some examples of how to substitute with this spell and how to rework it when necessary. Reworking actions in witchcraft without substituting ingredients. A very common example of this type of reworking would be reworking a spell to not have a burning process due to the witch being unable to use fire or burn objects due to their situation such as apartment or dorm living, lung sensitivity to smoke or having their own doubts about being able to work safely with fire due to one reason or another.

Below are some suggested reworking actions for common things that some people are unable to do for one reason or another. In these cases, reworking a spell may often become necessary to make it easier on the witch casting it. In cases of this, certain gestures or steps may be too draining or difficult for the witch to perform due to physical or mental health. You can still do the spell by reworking the areas that you have difficulty in.

An example of this could be that a spell requires a lot of movement, gestures and chanting to do.


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  • As someone with limited energy you may not be able to exhaust so much of it by moving around like that. Instead you could examine the spell and see why that part may be required, if it is a spell to bring energy or motivation it may be added as a step to help encourage and invigorate the caster but making it difficult for you. An example may be music, listening to exhilarating and upbeat music can get the energy flowing instead so removing the chanting and dancing with loud energy filled music playing as you cast the spell is an excellent solution.

    Another example may be that a witch has some lung and breathing difficulties making it very difficult for them to burn things or use incense due to it affecting their airways.